It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
