I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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