Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
