i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
