Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
