I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
