And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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