I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she looked like the before picture.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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