Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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