she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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