Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
