Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
