Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
