I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
