come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
