Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
