Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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