so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Randomize
