I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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