every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm getting married
To pizza
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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