guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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