I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
