i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i love accidental penises.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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