Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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