well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
