i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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