We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
