she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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