my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
