i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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