i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
