the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
