my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
