no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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