I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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