Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
