I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
