I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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