In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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