so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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