there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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