saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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