i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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