btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
