she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
