I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
