So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
