I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
