I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
