he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
