Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
