Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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