whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I looked at my own cervix.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
