Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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