Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
