Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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