I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
